I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
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