Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
