are you still at the devil's house?
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
The power of my boobs compel you
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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