I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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