It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
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