You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
