whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Randomize
