Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
