6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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