Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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