don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
