textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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