Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
We don't watch enough power rangers
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
