Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Randomize
