You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
