I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
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