she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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