Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Randomize
