it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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