This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
