Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
