No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
