I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
