PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
