tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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