alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
false alarm, still single
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
