She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
