the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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