if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
