So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Randomize
