If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
