if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
