dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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