I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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