True but thats because hes a fetus.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
