Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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