I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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