Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Randomize
