even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
