i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
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