Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
