I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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