There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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