It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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