Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Randomize
