I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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