i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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