Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
