It's like a parade of train wrecks.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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