Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
