How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
