i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
