just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
