i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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