It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
