Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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