New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Randomize
