You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
