in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
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