he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
