I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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